I belong to a very robust parent chat group called PeachHead. And while I don’t always have the time to follow every thread going on in there, there was a recent posting that both caught my eye and struck a chord since I have two boys constantly vying for my attention and struggling over the same toys. This is a timeless scenario, I know but it is very important to my wife and I that they build a positive relationship together.

Here is a post (with her approval, of course), word-for-word, from a mother, Emily, who seems to be navigating the same channels with a very balanced and book-smart approach.

HER POST;

I so relate with your entire post, and have taken great pains to try to foster a loving, happy relationship between my two little guys. I really liked SIBLINGS WITHOUT RIVALRY. It’s mostly about helping siblings negotiate verbally, which you can’t do when they’re very young, but it’s a must-read for many reasons.

Tips to Share:

When diapering the new baby, sing songs about the older child. Toddlers are very egocentric, and the baby’s quite happy being sung to.

All the baby’s early milestones can be attributed to the toddler “teaching” him. Like “Look, the baby sat up. You taught him to do that — he’s been watching you, and that’s how he learned! You’re such a great teacher!” I’m still doing this, and the nice consequence is that my older son really loves to teach the younger one stuff. He reiterates household rules, teaches him to play games, and so forth, and this does not seem to bother my younger one (who’s only 19 months.) When it does, we’ll re-jigger!

Praise specifically and often. “Oh, you gave the baby your toy. Look how he’s smiling — you really made him happy!” (Praise is the best teaching tool, other than modeling, imo.) Also, do the Harvey Karp “gossip” technique. Call your husband and say, “Daddy, guess what? X touched the baby so gently today, and the baby smiled at him! The baby loves him so much!” Toddlers love praise and will work to earn it.

Have a really fair rule, like “no snatching”, that both kids can understand early. This impartiality has an apparent justice to it, even to little guys. I taught my older son, at 2, to “redirect” the baby if he wanted his toy. It worked great — #1 learned to perkily interest the baby in another object, and only once the baby dropped the toy of his own accord could #1 have it. It taught my older son that even a baby’s space and dignity are important. Also, the baby learned the rule too, and could wait for a desired toy at a really early age. The older one started handing toys to the little one when he was finished with them, which I praised and made a big deal of (see above), and then the baby picked up the habit of handing over a toy when he’s done with it, so now 90% of the time the boys work really well together taking turns.

I follow Positive Parenting techniques, which are in all sorts of books (How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, Parenting from the Inside Out, etc.) The idea is have clear boundaries, but not punish. So if my older son is upset I hold him, prevent him from doing harm, but I help him get to the feelings and I never shame him or give him a timeout ( I give him what’s called a “time-in.”) This relates to siblings in that I don’t demonize any negative behavior toward the baby — I don’t permit it, but I let my older son know he is always loved. This really helps dissolve tantrums and get back to a loving place.

Great advice I heard was to turn the family into a circle, rather than a triangle. So in the rare moments the boys are really fighting over me, I try to get them playing and enjoying each other - maybe doing a cuddle game, or something else they like, that doesn’t involve me. The more they can get solace and support from each other, the better. (Got that from Siblings Without Rivalry.)

Finally, let the older one regress, and don’t demand that he suddenly become a “big boy.” If he needs to be a baby, let him! They’re only little once. What’s the rush?

To prepare for #2’s arrival, I used Kodak gallery to make a book all about #1’s babyhood, so that he’d see himself in the bjorn, co-sleeper, etc, and know he was a baby once too. At the end I had a picture of me pregnant strolling down the beach with him, with the caption saying soon he will have a baby brother, who will love him, and what a blessed and happy family we are. My son ADORED this book and read it constantly.

Hope that helps! My sons are great friends, and are never lonely. It’s gone a thousand times better than I thought it would. Take heart.

I will Emily. Thanks for the wisdom.

Sited Reading:
SIBLINGS WITHOUT RIVALRY
How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk
Parenting From the Inside Out