I have had the special opportunity to interview Philip Lerman, author of the recently published book - Dadditude. When Phil, about to turn 50, quits his job as the producer of one of the longest-running network TV shows ever (America’s Most Wanted), he believes a lifetime of management experience will carry him through his new job of full-time fatherhood. He’s sure that his years of controlling a wild pack of roving producers have prepared him to conquer the world of one small boy in a Beatles haircut.
Lerman soon learns how easily a three-year-old can take that belief and stuff cheese balls in its ear.
By turns poignant and hilarious, Lerman’s journey from the control room to the playroom (and, ultimately, from obsessing about control to accepting the natural chaos of things) offers a lesson for the modern age: that somewhere between strict discipline and unconditional love, lies… Dadditude
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MD: What is Dadditude, in a nutshell for those who haven’t heard of the book?
PL: I think it’s all about Dads learning to find that middle ground between always being right (which, of course, we are) and going with the flow (which, of course, is not exactly our best thing, truth be told). Dads love consistency, but Dadditude’s about learning the Zen Riddle of parenting: That It’s OK to be consistent – just not all the time.
MD: Who is your target audience? Do you have one? If I was to venture a guess I would say by your “Every-Man” conversational tone it is probably for any and every guy out there and maybe more importantly every woman, since it is a wonderful meditation on all the funny neurotic and silly stuff that (I will speak of myself only here) we Dads think about.
PL: Actually, moms have been enjoying the book (and anytime you can make a mom happy, you know, you get karma points, so that’s a good thing). They tell me they’ve been reading sections to their husbands in bed. So I have now been officially inducted to the American Foreplay Society, an honor for which I am truly grateful.
Women, however, don’t get why there are so many asides about music and lyrics and movies and such. Guys like that a lot more. That’s a guy thing.
MD: I gotta ask, what does you wife think of the book?
PL: She likes it a lot, although she says I mention her boobs a few too many times. But hey, when you’re a guy talking about pregnancy, let’s be honest: there are certain side-effects that we are just crazy about.
MD: Fast-forward twenty years from now, what do you think your son, Max, will think of the book?
PL: I hope he thinks, wow, my dad was a funny guy, and a cool guy. But that’s what every man wants from his son. When they asked God about the bible and said hey, what do you think your son with think of the book in 20 years, he said basically the same thing. Not that I’m comparing myself to God, or anything. He’s much, much taller.
MD: By the way, I love the idea of Intermittent Reinforcement. Can you talk a little bit about this? How did you arrive at this? Was it something that came from managing “run-and-gun” productions on America’s Most Wanted for so many years?
PL: Just the opposite, actually. It all goes back to that question of consistency. As a manager in the workplace, you can be consistent – it’s expected, in fact. A run-and-gun operation like AMW requires almost military precision. If anyone sends a fax and doesn’t follow up with a phone call to confirm, you have to reprimand them about it, because one day the whole operation will stop because that fax didn’t go through. To be fair to a roomful of employees, you try to react to things as consistently as possible.
Parenting is the opposite. Dads WANT it to be about consistency – if I pick up the baby when she cries, she will learn that crying brings daddy to the room, so I must never do this — but moms know you have to pick your battles if you’re gonna get through the day. Remembering what we learned back in Psych 101 – that the rat learns more quickly through intermittent reinforcement – is the hardest thing for dads. We just have to keep reminding ourselves that kids are much more pliable, more flexible, than we think (although, in my experience, they’re really lousy at sending faxes).
MD: What would you say to younger guys thinking about having kids someday. What are some of the advantages and disadvantages of having kids later in life?
PL: People tell me, Phil, you’re too old to have a kid. You don’t have the stamina, you don’t have the strength, you don’t have the ability to pull an all-nighter anymore. Well, I’m here to tell you – they’re absolutely right.
But there are advantages to being an older dad, too. You tend to have more patience. You tend to crave going to the bar less, and being home more. Most importantly, you’ve either had kids before, or your friends have, and you know how astoundingly quickly it goes by. So you are more likely to spend time with your child now, rather than putting it off. So many of my friends who had kids at an earlier age say, you know, I wish I spent more time with them when they were little. I feel like I missed a lot. So, us older dads benefit from their testimony, and can pass it along.
Here’s the thing. When the days ahead of you are shorter than the days behind, you tend to appreciate each one a little more, to thank God for the blessing of being with your child, today, now. And so you put down the paper and get down on the rug and pick up a car and make the car noise, and fall blissfully into this moment, this perfect moment with your child, perfect just because you’re lucky enough to share it, and if there’s anything older dads can teach younger ones, it’s that: just Be Here Now. The rest will take care of itself.
Related Links:
Dadditude.Com
FOX & Friends | Interview With Phil Lerman
